Vipassana Meditation Retreat: A Journey Within

Time flies when you’re having fun! You know when it doesn’t fly? When you’re sitting in a room, on the floor, for 10 hours, for 10 days, meditating. Let me rephrase…attempting to meditate. It’s called Vipassana and it is hands down the hardest, most intense, incredible experience of my life.

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What is Vipassana?

Vipassana is one of India’s most ancient meditation techniques discovered by Buddha over 2,500 years ago. The word Vipassana means to see things as they really are, the reality as it is, not what you would like to be or what it seems to be, but as it is. It provides insight into the true nature of reality.

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Although taught by Buddha, this is not Buddhism per say. This simple technique has such universal appeal because it does not invoke the help of a god, spirit or any other external power, but relies on your own efforts to purify the mind in order to find peace, love and happiness internally, not externally. The approach is totally non-sectarian and can benefit people from any religion or no religion and from every part of the world. Basically, it has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with mastering your own mind.

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The father of modern day Vipassana is S.N. Goenka who was raised in Burma, the only country that has maintained the purity of this technique for generations. A successful businessman suffering from constant misery and pain, Goenka had the good fortune to come into contact with Sayagyi U Ba Khin and to learn the technique of Vipassana from him. After receiving training from his teacher for 14 years he traveled to India in the late 1960’s to revive Vipassana with his 10-Day residential courses. It has since become extremely popular with over 100 centers in Asia and now popping up all over the West.

For more information please visit www.dhamma.org.

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My Vipassana Experience: A Journey Within

You know when I said trekking ABC was the hardest thing I’ve ever done? I spoke too soon. This experience most definitely tops that. With a strict schedule starting at 4am and ending at 9pm, complete noble silence, no reading or writing, and electronics turned into management I spent 10 grueling, agonizing, confusing, exhausting days in my head learning the Vipassana technique step-by-step.

I know, sounds enticing. Why in the world would I do this!? I started meditating about a year ago and it completely changed my life. With time and practice I realized that true transformation and liberation doesn’t come easy. It’s not something that is just handed to you. Read on and you’ll understand.

This is my personal Vipassana experience.

Disclaimer: No two Vipassana experiences will ever be the same. I am simply sharing my personal story with the sincere hope that this may spark a little something in you to explore the wonderful path of meditation ; ). Enjoy!

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Day 1: Just Breathe

“No one can harm you more than your own untamed mind. No one can help you more than your own tamed mind.” With these wise words from Goenka we begin to simply watch the breath objectively. Whatever happens, just observe objectively. Ok, I can do that. Doesn’t sound too bad. An hour into it and I’m thinking about my first meal when I leave this place. 2 hours later and I’m half-asleep. The last thing I’m doing is meditating. And I thought I was good at this meditating thing. HA! What a joke!

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Day 2: Knocking On Bliss’ Door

Still, no meditating. I’m either over thinking something, sleeping or bored out of my mind. Hey there bliss! I’m here, impatiently waiting. Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready. Like, is now a good time? Hello, bliss? Can you hear me?! I came to pay you a visit! Did I mention I’m here AND ready…

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Day 3: Enter the Torture Chamber

Ok, now the fun begins. My hips are on fire. I can’t feel my knees. My back is sore and aching. I’m huffing and puffing in my cushion readjusting my position every 5 minutes. I can’t sit still from the intensity of physical pain. My teacher must only know a few words in English because when I complain to her about the pain all she keeps saying is “This is good. That is very good. Oh, really? Good!”

To say I’m frustrated is an understatement. I really start wondering why I’m here. There’s no way in this living hell that I’m going to experience any kind of bliss. This meditation hall has quickly turned into my own personal torture chamber and it seems like every time I open my eyes everyone is sitting like a perfect Buddha exploring the peace within. Literally I am the only person in the world that can’t do this.

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Day 4: Cry Me a River

It only gets worse. After just focusing on the breath for 3 days in order to sharpen our minds, today we learn the actual technique of Vipassana. Goenka describes the first few days of learning this technique as a deep surgical operation of the mind with no anesthesia. It was painful, it was bloody, it was torture. Deep-rooted complexities of the mind began surfacing and I have to be honest, it wasn’t pretty. Disturbing visions, distressing thoughts, difficult past experiences, it all just felt like it was oozing out of my pores. Basically, it’s playtime with my inner demons.

I just wanted to cringe, hide and run away, but how can I? This is my own mind that I have to live with. So, I just cried. Ok, more like sobbed, for hours. I didn’t have the strength to watch objectively. I wept in such sorrow like someone dear to me was slowly and painfully passing away. And in a sense, that is exactly what was happening.

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Day 5: American Girl Dies In Nepal From Over Meditating

This is the headline I’m envisioning my parents reading as they receive the news of my death from meditating too much. Today we are told that we can not move our legs, arms or open our eyes for the entire hour of the group sittings, which takes place 3 times a day. You may be thinking, “ok, an hour is not THAT bad”. Please, by all means, go ahead, sit on the floor, close your eyes and don’t move for an hour. But first, meditate for 40+ hours in 4 days. I’m thinking “Omg! I’m not going to make it out of here alive. Jesus have mercy on me!!!” The first hour of not moving felt like the toughest, most painful hour of my entire life. Every minute felt like 10 minutes and my knees were blaring from the pain. But today I was determined.

I was SOOOOO tired of being tired. I was exhausted of just sitting on this cushion in extreme pain and crying. How can I be master of my own mind if every time she kicks and screams I give her what she wants? I have two choices at this halfway point. I can continue sitting here drowning in my own dreadful misery or I cannot. I chose the latter.

So, I let her throw her little temper tantrums and I just observed. Rather than fighting back or resisting, like I’ve been doing the last couple of days, I patiently observed and showered her with so much love and compassion. Yes, at this point I'm talking to my own mind telling her we're in this together, she's strong and can do no wrong. And you know what happened, she actually calmed down. It was a fair fight, but at the end, love always prevails. Hmmm, ok, perhaps there is something to this technique.

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Day 6: Craving, Aversion, Equanimity and Impermanence

You can describe Vipassana in those four words. One of the main points in Vipassana is the fact that our suffering is due to either craving this or averting that. But you can end your suffering by remaining equanimous and understanding that everything is impermanent. Yes, everything. Nothing lasts forever. Everything in the universe is constantly changing. It’s the law of nature. With this technique you actually begin to experience this concept. You not only understand this on an intellectual level, but you understand it on an experiential level.

For example, during meditation you will experience pleasant subtle sensations, which naturally you will crave. But you will also experience gross solidified sensations, which again, naturally you will avert. It’s the conditioning of the mind, to crave the pleasant and avert the unpleasant and in turn suffer because you want more of this and less of that. This is basically what we all do all day, everyday. The idea of this technique is to remain equanimous, calm, balanced and composed regardless of the sensation. Not react to any sensation, just observe and accept their impermanence. Sounds easy, but it’s not.

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Day 7: A Vision of Love

Day 7 was one of the best days. I felt an overwhelming abundance of pleasant sensations. My body was tingling from head to toe, vibrations of pure love and compassion were gushing out of me. All I wanted to do was share this with the world. It was a feeling of genuine love and compassion, like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

The flowers around me began to pop with life and color, the insects fluttered around me like little forest fairies, the blue sky seemed within reach. I’ve never experimented with hard-core drugs, but I imagine this is what it feels like. I was high, in a trance of love. And I quickly forgot, everything is impermanent.

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Day 8: An Irresistible Desire

I was so ready for Day 8. After what I experienced on Day 7 I eagerly plopped myself onto my cushion at 4:30am with a smile on my face and quietly awaited for the pleasant subtle sensations to take over. But that smile didn’t last very long. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. 30 minutes into it and my body was so tense I’m in pain. The craving is real my friends, so real. The pleasant sensations were the presents under the tree on Christmas morning; I was the spoiled 6 year old being told they weren’t for me. And because I was so tense from the craving I quickly began experiencing gross, solidified painful sensations. PAINFUL. What is going on!? I felt like I was regressing, not progressing.

A direct experience of how craving turns into suffering. I was beginning to really grasp what Goenka was talking about. I remembered what my dear friend whose taken this course twice told me: “Be super, super, super kind to yourself”. I tried my best to remain calm, balanced and equanimous and reassured myself that it’s ok, breaking the old habit pattern of the mind doesn’t happen in 8 days.

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Day 9: It’s All Good

I learned an extremely valuable lesson today. Meditating is not about pleasant sensations. It’s about living a lifestyle that is constantly striving to attain the qualities of love and compassion. Your progress on the long path of meditation has nothing to do with the sensations you experience, but rather how equanimous, patient and persistent you can remain during each and every experience, on and off the cushion. It’s about mastering the mind and finding the ultimate Truth within. The pleasant sensations are just like an added bonus that will come with time. And sometimes they don’t come, and that’s ok.

I tried with all of my might to remain equanimous today. If I feel pleasant sensations, that is ok. If I feel unpleasant sensations, that is ok. If I feel nothing, that is also ok. Every sensation is an opportunity to practice my equanimity towards craving and aversion, an opportunity to see things as they really are, sensations that simply come and go, sensations that are impermanent. After all, isn’t that what life is all about? Stop craving, chasing, averting, resisting and just be at peace with whatever is happening around you, see it for what it really is, the reality of impermanence.

Like my wise teacher told me on Day 3: “That is good. That is also good. It is all really good.” It’s all good. And you know what, although I wasn’t high like on Day 7, I’ve never been more at peace with whatever was happening.

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Day 10: Balm Me Up

Surgery is over and it’s time to apply the balm. After a long and complicated surgery my mind has been deeply cleansed and purified. It now feels strong and sharp. I feel light and bright. I am so freaking ecstatic today, partly because it’s over, partly because I can’t believe I finished, partly because I actually did feel quite a drastic change within. Although it was the hardest thing I have ever done, the breakthroughs, the lessons, the AHA moments, those were priceless.

Yes, I had many moments of boredom, times when I fell asleep, periods where I over thought, but I did work hard with the motivation of transforming in order to serve others. I, along with thousands of people, are living testaments that if you take this seriously and work hard with the right intention and strong determination you can truly transform in 10 days.

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Interested in registering?

I'll be happy if only I had a better job, a more understanding and loving partner, more vacation time, more money, a bigger house, a newer car, more friends, a smaller waist, longer hair, an iPhone 7plus, the list goes on and on and on. If you’re ready to find real and lasting happiness, please know you will never find it outside yourself. People, stuff, situations, they come, they go, they change.

Imagine being at peace with whatever is happening around you? Letting go of the constant need to control and letting life just flow, accepting and being at peace with what is. Imagine feeling nothing but loving kindness for even the most difficult people in your life? Realizing their words and actions have nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they feel about themselves.

You can spend the rest of your life depending on the external for your happiness and blaming the external for your misery OR you can spend the rest of your life looking within, realizing that everything you need is already there, that at your core you are pure happiness, unconditional love and compassion. We all are. Get a taste of this through meditation and get ready to change your life!

Please visit www.dhamma.org to find a course near you.

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May You Find Peace. May You Find Love and Compassion. May You Always Be Happy!

Namaste.