Love is Not a Reward: A Note on Self-Love For My Single Ladies
Dear reader,
I’m writing this for me—and perhaps for you, too.
A note for my single ladies that are tirelessly working towards self-love.
I am so tired. As a matter of fact, I am exhausted of this new-age self-love message targeted at single women.
You see it on Instagram all the time. Girl meets boy and now she’s an expert on how to find the perfect man. Their instagram feeds are a reel of this real love they deserve. They’re in the honeymoon phase. They feel like they finally figured out this whole love thing.
I know, this is coming off a bit harsh. I know some of those newly coupled ladies are sharing their story with sincere intentions and they’re not wrong. Their story and their sharing is validated and has a place.
But I’m muting them, because it just does not resonate with me. Nor does it inspire me.
“Love yourself first and then love will follow.”
“You’ll find true love when you love yourself first.”
“It wasn’t until I learned to love myself that I found the love of my life.”
I’m calling bullsht and here’s why.
Love is not the goal
After years of being bombarded with this self-love message time and time again I fell for it. I believed that in order for me to find my true love I had to love myself first. I worked my butt off to love myself, hoping that if I did I would then be worthy of the love of my life.
I’ve been single for over four years now—and it’s taken me this long (call me a slow learner) to realize that’s not why you should learn to love yourself. Learning to love yourself for the sake of a partnership is not the goal here. That’s a byproduct—maybe—but even that doesn’t matter.
This whole love thyself movement isn’t about anything other than you knowing your truth, your worth and living your most authentic life. Romantic love? That’ll happen not when you love yourself, but when that’s the situation your soul needs in order to evolve (more on this later).
I know plenty of women who are far from the poster child of self-love that are in happy and loving relationships. Some are working towards it. Not one is “there”—“there” being the epitome of self-love.
Why we’re here
If you are a human on planet earth it’s because you have some sht to work through. Yes, you have gifts to share, you have people to help, you have a purpose to accomplish—but the greatest work is learning your unique lessons and healing whatever core belief you came here with.
If anyone was that enlightened, they would be in the astral realm—not here. We are here because we got stuff to figure out—every single one of us.
So, please don’t fall for these filtered Instagram pictures of women portraying they have it all together and therefore are deserving of the perfect love. The honeymoon will phase and back to work they will go—because they, too, are students in the earth realm.
It won’t be perfect—it’ll be healthier
This is not to say that you won’t find Mr. Right when you realize you are Ms. Right. With a stronger sense of self, you will manifest a much healthier relationship with awareness and compassion for you and him.
But you won’t “earn” this love. You don’t “deserve” it because you’ve worked hard. Let me explain my theory on relationships.
Love is not a reward
I have girlfriends in perfectly loving and healthy relationships that haven’t worked nearly as hard as I have to “love themselves”. That doesn’t mean they don’t—it just means they’re on a different journey. That doesn’t mean they don’t “deserve” true love. It just means that that relationship is what their soul needs to evolve.
Relationships are here to help us evolve. Period. That’s it. They’re not here to save us, to fill a void, to reward us. Let me repeat that.
Love is not a reward you receive for accomplishing a sense of self-love.
It’s not. It’s not a reward! You don’t “earn” this perfect love. A relationship will come into your life when that’s what your soul needs to grow to the next level.
If you’re single right now, that’s because that’s what your soul needs. If you’re in a relationship, that’s what your soul needs. That’s it. That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.
Anyone in a loving relationship will tell you that after that initial honeymoon phase, it’s work. It’s loving, yes. It’s supportive, yes. But relationships have their own set of challenges. You will be triggered. Deep wounds will be brought to the surface to heal. This is when self-love and self-awareness come into play. If you can ask yourself “What is this here to teach me?” in the midst of those challenges, you, my friend, are loving yourself.
This is what you need
Don’t get caught up in this Instagram image of self-love = true love. Self-love = manifesting whatever situation your soul needs in order to evolve. Trust that process. Embrace that process. And know that whatever is going on in your life right now, it’s happening because that’s what you need. It’s not right. It’s not wrong. It’s simply what you need. Can you love yourself in this exact moment?
If you’re single, that’s not because you haven’t cracked this mystery code on self-love. Trust me, the fact that you’re even reading this says a lot about your commitment to your soul’s growth and evolution. You’re single because that’s what your soul needs at this exact moment. Ya feel me?
