To the Boys of Bumble: Some Do's and Don'ts
Dear Boys of Bumble,
This is for you. If you’re serious about finding love — and not just here to fool around — listen closely.
I’ve been avoiding dating apps like the coronavirus. My close ones would say I’ve been avoiding dating in general. But I haven’t. I have been dating — myself.
You see, ever since I started dating at 16 I haven’t gone more than, say, two months without some sort of boyfriend. Two five-year relationships and a few casual ones here and there.
After my last serious break-up, I needed time — time with myself. I meant it when I said it, “I need to date myself for a while”. For a while turned into five long, hard, loving years.
So that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Taking Janelle on trips around the world. Treating her to the best vegan cafes. Spending a lot of quality alone time with her.
I learned so much about myself in those five years — things I would have never learned if a man was around. Like the fact that I’m brave AF, that my purpose is to share my story, that I love Asia so damn much. But most importantly, I learned how to love myself as I am while acknowledging the fact that I will always be a work in progress.
I now know self-awareness and self-love is a life-long journey. I now know a partnership is never going to fill the void. I now know love is not something someone can give me — it’s who I am. I would have never learned these valuable lessons if I had not dated myself.
That’s why I finally joined Bumble (and Hinge. Why the hell not?). Although, to be honest, it still feels a bit cringey to me. The logical side of me says “common sense”. The spiritual romantic side of me says “it’ll happen regardless.” I believe both.
Like my dear friend Lauren reminded me, “You gotta put yourself out there, but you gotta let go at the same time.”
Consider this me dipping my toe in the water. Am I ready for full-out laps? Not sure. Am I going to delete and download Bumble over and over and over again? Probably.
Now boys, I’m no dating expert (who is!?). I’m a girl who knows what she wants, has a strong-sense of self, and is coming at you with a fresh perspective. I can help you — if you want.
After a week of exhaustively answering “what do you do for fun?”, here are my general Do’s and Don’ts of Bumble (and Hinge and whatever else is out there):
Do read her damn profile
If you know anything about girls, then you know how much time, effort and love we put into creating the perfect profile that represents our soul. If you can’t take the time to read my words, I guarantee you won’t take the time to do much else for me. Your efforts on this little app are representative of your efforts in this little world. Make an effort.
Don’t be that guy on Hinge that likes my profile and says sht like “Must love craft beer” on their profile. They clearly didn’t read that part on my profile that clearly states I don’t drink so that guys that say sht like “Must love whiskey” do not contact me.
Stop wasting your time. Stop wasting her time. And read her damn profile — all of it.
Do say her name
My name is not beautiful. My name is definitely not sexy. My name is Janelle. If you can’t even greet me by my name, boi, BYE.
Do ask a personalized question
Please don’t come at me with “How are you?” Snooze.
What intrigues you? Stop, ponder and formulate a question specific to her. It can’t take more than five minutes of your precious time. Here are some great real life examples:
“Lol, so how did the scooter experience go?”
“Your travels look amazing! Do you photograph as a hobby as well? Those portraits on your IG look great.”
“Hahahaha what are those? And why do you have so many?”
“What’s your favorite Anthony Bourdain project?”
THAT’S how it’s done fellas. All of these guys got my full attention and great conversation because they took the time to read my profile and were interested in my story, not just my looks.
Do showcase the boyfriend, not the friend
Are you looking for a girlfriend or a bromance?
Because some of you out here be looking like you want a new friend, not a girlfriend.
I know I can’t speak for all girls — but I am a girl — I know a lot of girls — I’ve spent my entire life having intensely intimate conversations with other girls — and so I must say on behalf of most girls:
We don’t really care how much you love fishing.
We don’t really care how much you love golfing.
We don’t really care how much you love whiskey.
Trust me when I say, we don’t need five different pictures of you holding a dead fish. We don’t want to go fishing (I — I don’t want to go fishing, and I am most girls). We really, really don’t need you to say pretentious sht like “must love whiskey, golf and fishing”. What?! If THOSE are your non-negotiables, good luck buddy.
Listen, I don’t want you to lose yourself in the big wide world of dating apps. If fishing/boating/golfing/whiskey is a HUGE part of who you are, ok, that’s fine, be you — be 100% you.
BUT, you have literal seconds to grab a potential partner’s attention and pique their interest. In a sea of other men that most likely like the same thing, your fishing and drinking demands just won’t cut it.
Take the time to really think about what you want from a partnership and what kind of partner you are. If all you want is someone to go fishing and golfing with, throwback a few beers with, have a whiskey nightcap with — try Bumble BFF.
Do show these pictures
Jot this down. I (We) wanna see:
Your smile. Please, for the love of potential love, just give me one smile. Bonus points for teeth.
Your eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul. Take off those Oakleys and let us have a glimpse.
Your body — but not what you’re thinking. Just give me a full length view WITH CLOTHES so I can get an idea. (Shirts off isn’t the worst thing ever, but it’s a very, VERY fine line between sexy and distasteful. And I beg you, NO SHIRTLESS SELFIES!)
You in YOUR element.
The most common things we’re seeing:
Guys boating/fishing/holding dead fish. (Really, it’s old.)
Guys getting wasted with bros.
Guys golfing.
Guys pumping iron at the gym.
Guys with nieces and nephews. (If you’re posting with the intention to show you would make a good father, we can smell that and it’s too soon. If you’re posting because you genuinely love your niece and nephew, we can smell that and it’s sweet. Be genuine. Also, I hope you got consent from the parents to post their child’s photo — nonconsensual photos of children online is creepy. Don’t be creepy.)
I’m not saying any of the above is “bad”, it’s just a bit tired and after a while, it all kinda starts to look the same.
You won’t stand out with a dead fish/golfing/selfless mirror pic. Give us something different. Give us YOU.
Don’t please everyone
Show us your personality. I know you have one — a great one! Listen, I know dating apps can really suck, but the only way you will ever find someone that’s right for YOU is to show us the most authentic version of YOU.
Do you even want a girl that doesn’t get your sarcasm or vibe with your dark side? You're not for EVERYONE, so please, don’t make your profile for EVERYONE. Make it for your dream girl that will feel something when she runs into you online.
Do keep it short and sweet
We don’t need your life story. Not yet. The profiles that attract me the most are the ones that show off the guy’s personality, but leaves me hanging and wanting a little more.
Here are some examples of profiles that I really liked:
“I get paid to travel and eat.” Literally the shortest bio, but you know I was like TELL ME MORE.
“Podcast addict. Board game enthusiast. Fully aware guacamole is extra.”
“Ready to get hurt again.”
Humor works 99% of the time. (Yes, I made that stat up, but I’m 98% sure it’s accurate.)
Have fun. Be silly, Be playful. Make us giggle. Give us a taste, not the whole meal.
Don’t only show pictures
If we like what we see, we are going to read every little thing. Now, I can’t speak on behalf of all girls, but I have definitely swiped left on some good looking guys because they said nothing — not a word — just pictures.
I don’t care if you’re good looking. I want to know something about you, OTHER than you like to fish (Jesus, you guys sure love to fish). Or that you love to eat and travel (of course you do, you’re human).
See above. It doesn’t have to be a synopsis of your life, but say something that showcases your personality.
Don’t be basic
If I haven’t emphasized this enough, please give us something else. Besides fishing/golfing/whiskey, these are some other culprits of same thing, different day:
Netflix or Nightclub: Netflix
Mountains or Beach: Mountains
Love Language: Physical Touch
I love to travel and eat
The above is boring/obvious/played out. If you can avoid those topics, do.
Do call us
Now, guys, let’s pretend we meet at a bar. The bar is Bumble. We hit it off with some great back and forth convo. The vibes are nice. The bar is closing. I’m going home. What do you do?
I hope you ask me for my number.
Now, DON’T ask me for my number on Bumble — not yet. Here is what I think is a good process to get things moving:
If the texting convo is enjoyable, initiate a video chat within the first couple of days when he momentum is still strong — don’t wait a week. Bumble has a video call feature so no one has to exchange numbers just yet.
If the vibes are right during the video chat, ask for their number and initiate an in person meeting within the next week. If you need to sleep on it after the video chat, please do — but don’t wait too long.
Meet in person and take it from there.
Ladies, it’s 2020, you may also do the above.
Do have a girl review your profile
Call up a sister, a friend, or a co-worker and have them review it. Take their advice (and mine) with a grain of salt. You don't have to do every single little thing we advise, just what feels right for you.
Do and don’t take it seriously
Show up with zero expectations. Have fun fellas! Don’t take dating apps too seriously. It’s a casual experience meant to meet new people with the possibility of finding a real connection. You may or may not find your future partner. Be ok with either outcome.
But also know that these are real people with real feelings on the other side. Don’t take advantage of people. Don’t use people because you’re bored and can’t stand your own company. Be kind. Be considerate. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Karma is a thing and it applies here, too.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk
I want to reiterate that this free advice is for those lovely guys looking for a real connection. Ladies, I think some of this applies to us, too.
Remember, you are worthy of the most perfect unconditional love. There is someone for everyone — and I have no doubt there is someone for you. Don’t settle. Put yourself out there AND let go. In the meantime, continue doing you boo. You are perfect just as you are. Don’t ever forget that.
