Stop Convincing Him To Like You

This post is dedicated to all of the incredibly beautfiful women that are only now realizing their power and worth. Welcome to the other side. The side of Love. I know you went head-to-head with fear to make it here, probably the toughest battle of your life, but you’re here, victorious, to stay. I love you and I am SO proud of you! Share this with your fellow warriors out in the battlefield. We’re all rooting for you!

Dear ladies,

I’m just gonna get straight to it. I won’t sugar-coat it or use the flowery-fluffy language I love to use. This is my blunt, straight to the point dating advice. Why? Because sometimes we need to be called out on our own s*%t.

I am tired, EXHAUSTED, of worthy women giving up their power and settling.

I feel confident in what I’m about to say because I was that woman. WAS. I’m speaking from experience and I’m writing the words that I so desperately needed to read a few years ago. It took me a long time, many therapy sessions, multiple solo-trips, and a handful of heartbreaks to reach ENOUGH.

The work is far from over though and I know it. I am reprogramming the way I basically think, feel about myself, what I find attractive and how I approach potential relationships. That’s a habitual narrative that takes time to rewrite. But this is my chapter one, here for you and for me.

Let’s start with:

STAHP!

I beg you. Stop it right now. Stop settling because you’re afraid that you won’t find something better. With that attitude, you won’t. You create your reality with your thoughts, so if you think it doesn’t get any better than the bland guy who keeps asking you to hang out at his place and can’t even take you on a proper date, than it won’t. But it does. Believe it and then live it.

HERE’S YOUR PROBLEM

There is a chronic self-worth issue facing our generation. We’re not even dating properly. We swipe, we eat, we sleepover, we leave and we repeat. All of this in less than a month. We can’t blame the bland guy above who can’t even ask you out on a date. WE are the ones settling for just a hang out because that’s what we think we’re worth. Is that what you’re worth? A bland guy, a bland apartment, a bland night?!?! BOREEEEEEEE. No my love, that’s not what you’re worth.

MEN WANT YOU

Here’s the thing ladies. Men want us. We don’t have to convince them of that. We have to convince ourselves of that. I’m not sure when we lost our power here, but we did. Perhaps it’s technology. Porno, dating apps, social media, and all that good stuff have made men lazy and women desperate. But I say blaming technology is a cop out.

I, a 32 year old millennial, have never once used a dating app or responded to annoying DM’s by lame ass men. Because guess what…I set the rules here. Not society. Not the times. But me. I don’t give a damn how everyone else is meeting nowadays. That approach never felt right to me.

So please, stop blaming technology and the times and start setting some rules, standards and boundaries. I’m not saying to avoid dating apps. I’m just saying, it’s not what it’s come down to and it isn’t the ONLY way to meet someone these days.

WHERE’S THE FAITH?

You HAVE to have faith. In God, the universe, Mother Earth, whatever, but mostly in yourself and the life you chose to live. If you like a guy that is clearly not available, whether that be literally or emotionally, you have to trust that it’s not the right guy or the right time. Stop obsessing over it and give it to God. And when you are in your feels, think about that ex you swore was your soulmate and are now so incredibly grateful God intervened. We all have one. God has your back, and if it’s meant for you, it will be, and you won’t have to do anything but be your damn self.

SINGLE DOES NOT MEAN AVAILABLE

These words would have saved me so much trouble in my twenties. Why are so many women attracted to emotionally unavailable men? That’s not a rhetorical question. I have the answer. The truth. We’re insecure. Admit it. It’s freeing. And it’s the first step to TRUE confidence, the kind of confidence that comes from within, not without.

Why are we so insecure? Again, not a rhetorical question. It’s a slew of reasons. It could be something from your childhood worth exploring, but I think a lot of it stems from society’s message, particularly the beauty industry. The “you’re not good enough, buy alllllllll of these products! They’ll make you less hairy, more hairy, tanner, whiter, slimmer, thicker“…on and on and on. I mean, have you been to the beauty aisles of Target?! Ten brightly lit rows of every face, hair, and body care imaginable.

All of this, whether we’re conscious of it or not, is brainwashing us with the aggressive “you’re not good enough” message, which trickles into every aspect of our lives, especially romantic relationships. Where as men have one aisle with deodorant, shaving cream and razors. After years of this messaging everywhere we turn, we are bound to believe it. It’s not our fault. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. But it is our responsibility now, as adults, to choose not to believe it and get our power back.

DISNEY F*%KED US UP

It just did. 90’s babies grew up on Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, and all that princess crap. Yea it’s cute, but with a very impressionable message on very young, impressionable minds:

Lucky, pretty, girl is chosen by boy and they live happily ever after. Key word: CHOSEN.

This message made little girls turned grown women believe that they are the ones to be chosen. Some of us just want to be chosen. But here’s the thing. You must choose yourself. And then choose your partner. We have the power to choose. Life is not a Disney movie or a RomCom. It’s real and the truth is nobody is coming to save you, because you do not need to be saved.

SEX AND THE CITY ALSO F*%KED US UP

I love the show. But Mr. Big doesn’t change. In the show he does. He eventually comes around, even after standing Carrie up at the altar. He comes around and becomes domesticated?! Yea. That doesn’t happen. Mr. Big in real life doesn’t change. Here’s the thing about people. We don’t change. We grow up, sure, but we don’t change. Our core values, our intentions, the meat of who we are doesn’t change. So if you’re sitting around waiting for your Mr. Big to change…he does not. You’re not gonna be the girl that changes him. And the fact that you even want him to change says a lot about how much you actually love him. You have two options: accept him AS HE IS (inconsistent, flaky), or choose better.

STOP CONVINCING HIM TO LIKE YOU

And this one. OH MAH GAWD this!!! Ladies. Why in the world are you walking into a date wondering “I hope he likes me.” Let’s change that narrative to “I hope I like him.” We don’t even ask ourselves “Do I even want to be this man’s friend, let alone lover?!” before we’re off on a rant about our greatest achievements or even worse, in bed with him. Oh dear lord (face palm). You do not have to convince ANYONE to like you, especially a man. So please, shut up, listen and ask yourself ;

“Do I even want to be his friend?”.

If the answer is no, you know what to do. Do it and save yourself so much unnecessary trouble. But if the answer is yes, TAKE. YOUR. TIME. Build a friendship. He has your trust and heart to earn, and that should take time. You are gift that takes time to open.

BEAUTY IS IN THE EYES

Your beauty is in your eyes. In your self-perspective. It has nothing to do with how you look on the outside. Before you write me off and call bulls*%t, listen. There’s NOTHING sexier and desirable than a person who know’s their worth. You see it in their soft eyes. They love their own company so much, they’re smiling over brunch at a table for one in a crowded restaurant. Everyone notices. Not because of how they look, but because of how they feel about themselves. Confident. And I don’t know about you, but I wanna talk to THAT guy/girl.

So don’t focus so much on how you look, but how you FEEL about yourself. Because at the end of the day, it is your responsibility and yours alone to love yourself as you are. What do your eyes say to you when you look at yourself in the mirror? The real work is getting them to say “You’re amazing! I am so proud of you! I love you so much!”.

PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE

And then there’s this false notion that putting ourselves out there means going on as many dates as possible to increase the likelihood of finding someone. If life was a simple math equation, that would work, but it’s not.

Life is not a math equation.

It’s complicated and messy and unpredictable. If you love going on a tinder date every other day, by all means, do you boo. But if you hate it, stop it. Doing it for “but if I don’t, I won’t find the one” is doing it out of fear and desperation, and that s*%t never works. EVER. In life, you should only do things you love. So I say YES, put yourself out there, but YOU get to define what “putting myself out there” means. For me, I put myself out there constantly. By living my truth, in the most authentic way possible. I travel alone, I hang out at Whole Foods, I critique every vegan cafe in Miami. I just live my life and do things that bring me joy.

YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE

If you’re attracting:

• insecure

• weak

• inconsiderate

• flaky

• emotionally unavailable men

You have to take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Admitting that you too are those things is PAINFUL AS F*%K, but NECESSARY AS F*%K to break the pattern. You attract what you are. Life is a mirror of our own self-perception. That’s not an opinion. That’s a fact. A truth that can hurt, but one we have to admit if we want the love we say we want.

So please, PAHHHHLEASSEEE, for the love that you deserve, stop blaming men. And start holding yourself responsible for your love life. Start by loving yourself.

GET YOUR POWER BACK

YOU set the rules and the standards. YOU navigate this love ship and YOU get to decide who gets onboard. Don’t ever forget the power you have as a woman. I repeat, this whole thing isn’t about him liking you, it’s about YOU liking YOU and then maybe liking him.

DOES HE LIKE ME?!

He may not like you. And that’s ok. We are not for everyone nor is everyone for us. The real question is:

Do you like you?

Because that’s all that matters.

SAY THAT AGAIN GIRL

“Does he like me?” WHO GIVES A F*%K?! Do YOU like YOU!? Answer that genuinely please. Do you love yourself? Do you even like yourself? Do you enjoy your own company? Do you go bed alone every night ok with the fact that you’re alone? If the answer is no, that’s ok. That’s what we gotta work on. Getting to the point where we are ok, even happy, to go to bed alone every night. Get to that point, please.

Is there anything less attractive than an insecure man who is basically energetically begging you to validate him? God bless him, but no. Is there anything more attractive than a confident man that loves his own company so damn much that he goes to bed with a smile very night, knowing his worth?! Um, be that girl so you can project that guy.

LIVE YOUR GODDAMN LIFE

Stay authentic to your truth. Date yourself. Go to bed every night smiling and alone. Actually, be more than ok being alone. Be happy about it. Revolutionary, huh? And please, stop buying s*%t you don’t need at Target.

You have to give yourself the love you want. You want a man to buy you red roses just because? Buy yourself red roses just because. You want a man to take you on a picnic on a perfect sunny day? Get yourself a basket and a blanket. You want a man to tell you how beautiful and amazing you are? Look at the mirror. She is your new lover.

And I think it’s bulls*&t when people say “Love yourself and THAT’S when you’ll meet the right guy”. This isn’t true. No one can guarantee when you’ll meet the right guy. Learning to love yourself for the slightest hope that you’ll meet the right guy in the process is doing it for the wrong reason. Learn to love yourself because you’re worthy of loving yourself.

And although I can’t guarantee that’s when you’ll meet the right guy, it won’t f*&king matter, because you’ve met yourself.