Your Pandemic Permission Slip
Dear reader,
I really didn’t want to talk about the pandemic. But I’d be lying to myself and to you if I didn’t write about it. Writing is how I process things. So consider today’s “short story” me, processing.
If I deny what I’m really feeling and thinking, I’m blocking the creative mojo. I’m not in the mood today to write a whimsical short story. I’m in the mood to give you permission.
I give you permission to not do a damn thing.
One of the reasons we got ourselves into this mess is because we do not know how to stop. We live in a go, go, and don’t stop going...do, do and don’t stop doing vortex. It’s not sustainable. Clearly.
I realized this a few years ago. And for the last four years I’ve been trying to elbow my way out of that vortex. I thought I was out. I thought I was living a pretty stress-free, non-demanding life, with no agenda or hard plans. I chose to work part-time, travel slowly, and live an unconventional life on my terms.
I thought I was living this. But I wasn’t. I was trying, but I wasn’t quite living it.
When I got back from Germany late last year, I was determined to teach in the mornings and spend the rest of the day at home writing. I tried. God knows I tried. But I couldn’t quite figure out why the words weren’t making their way to paper. I had no creative energy whatsoever.
That’s because I felt guilty, and I’ve been feeling guilty about my lifestyle for four frikin years.
The only reason I know this is because now, all of sudden, the guilt has completely vanished. I know it has vanished because for the first time since I can remember, I have the energy to create.
I was expending so much energy on feeling guilty about my “stress-free, non-demanding” life that I had no energy to create. I loved my life of travel, but always, in the back of my head, guilt resided. “You don’t deserve this. You didn’t earn this.” She’s lovely, isn’t she?!
And when I was home from my travels, forget about it.
I subconsciously felt so guilty about staying home all day that I would come up with excuses to go somewhere, anywhere. A cafe, the library, Whole Foods. “Going out” made me feel productive. “Doing things” made me feel productive. “Spending Money” made me feel productive. “Creating” with no motives other than it made ME happy made me feel guilty. That’s the kind of society we live in.
The problem with guilt is that it requires so much energy. It’s a gas guzzler, leaving you on empty all the time. If you’re constantly feeling guilty, consciously or subconsciously, you don't have much energy for anything else. Especially for creating.
But all of sudden, everyone is home. EVERYONE. All of sudden, I don’t feel guilty. The shift was that instant. I found myself at home, completely guilt free, writing short stories on the daily.
I’ve never written this much. I’m even scared to admit this out loud because I don’t want to scare my little creative genius away. But now that everyone is home, I don’t feel this self-imposed pressure to go out, spend money, be falsely productive. With the pressure and guilt completely GONE, I’m left with so much energy! Efficient energy that is now expended on creating.
I’m sharing this because I’m just trying to make sense of what’s happening. I’m sharing this because I just realized, for the first time in my life, the grip guilt had on me. I’m sharing this in hopes that you too, release the guilt.
I want to give you permission. Leave it to our do, do, do, go, go, go society to take this whole #stayhome pandemic into a #stayhomeandbeproductive pandemic. But I want you to know:
You don’t have to do a damn thing!
You don’t have to workout at home. You don’t have to finish that novel or sculptor or composition. You don’t have to clean out your closet. You don’t have to do arts and crafts. You don’t have to start meditating. You don’t have to do ten pushups a day. You don’t have to write short stories (note to self). You don’t have to be “productive”.
You don’t have to do a damn thing!
If you WANT to be productive, if you WANT to create, if you WANT to sweat, please have at it. The world needs you to do whatever the hell you WANT right now.
But if you want to stay at home for the next few months and become one with your couch, by all means, do it. If you want to watch every single show, movie and documentary on Netflix, be my guest. If you just want to be, just BE!
None of this “Now is the time to do all those things you’ve been wanting to do! No more excuses!” Now is the time to do what feels RIGHT for you. Now is the time to be super kind and gentle with yourself, release whatever inefficient guilt you’ve been lugging around and do only what YOU WANT TO DO.
I just want you to know, if three months from now you don’t come out of this with a six-pack and a finished masterpiece, IT’S OK! If three months from now, you come out of this with ten more loving pounds and all of the Netflix recs, IT’S OK! If three months from now, you finally did finish that collection of short stories, GREAT! If three months from now you didn’t, GREAT!
Now is the time to do whatever you want.
Just stay home and do it, please.
Love,
Janelle
